What the Hell?
by Auztria
Summary: BLU Sniper is fed up. He takes a short vacation. A temporary replacement is brought in so BLU will not be short-handed... except he doesn't have a clue what his job really entails.
1. Prologue

"I AM FULLY CHARGED!"

"GET BEHIND ME, DOKTOR!"

The BLU Sniper looked around wildly. All his teammates were dead. He tried to back up and met a wall. He looked in front of him and saw only a laughing, Übercharged Heavy.

"Aw, crap."

* * *

"He got you?"

"Yup." BLU Sniper grumbled as he looked over his equipment back in Respawn. "He was Übered. I couldn't do nothin'."

"Shame, it is. We'd almost capped the last point, too." said the Engineer. "Won't have time now." As if on cue, the Administrator's voice boomed. **"TEN SECONDS LEFT IN THE MISSION."**

"I tell you, mate, all this fightin's startin' ta get me down. I haven't seen m' mum n' pa in eight months, now!" Sniper lay back on the Respawn bench. "I need a vacation."

**"YOU LOSE! YOU DIDN'T KILL ANY OF THEM!" **the Administrator shouted. About five seconds later, the entire RED team burst into Respawn, intent on humiliation-killing everyone they found.

"Yeah." said Sniper to Engineer as RED Pyro covered them in flames. "I _definitely _need a vacation, mate."


	2. Chapter 1

"Bloody hell."

I'd just arrived here at Builder's League United for my first day on the job, and the first thing I saw was a man dressed entirely in an asbestos suit- wearing _three _hats, I might add- swinging a sledgehammer against a weird-looking turret... thing. And it seemed to be _fixing _it. What the hell?

"Cheers, mate! Good ta see ya!"

I was whipped out of my stupor only to stare in shock at the big black man approaching me. Eyepatch? Scottish accent? So many things wrong with this picture. "...who are you?"

He laughed and took a swig from a bottle. "Ah'm the Demoman! Nice t'meetcha, son!"

"Oh, Herr Demo. I zee you've vound ze replacement for Sniper, then." I turned. Finally, someone who looked fairly normal. I assumed this man polishing his glasses was the resident doctor. Of course, what he said was pretty confusing.

"Sniper? I beg your pardon? I'm the..." I checked the paper with my job description on it. "'Long Range Elimations Expert'. Er... whatever that is."

He frowned at me. "Exzactly. You are ze replacement for Sniper."

_I think I get it. Sniper must be the guy's name._ "Um... yeah. I guess you're right."

He sniffed at me. "Of course. Now zhen, you need to come vith me. For your, um... mandatory check-up."

"Check-up? You need to make sure I'm fit for this job?"

"Exzactly." I didn't like that grin.

The... Demoman waved goodbye as this doctor led me away. Eventually we reached a room that could only be described as a doctor's office, albeit a tad poorly equipped. "Uh... So what now, Doc?"

"Just face zat wall for a zecond." I complied, and heard rustling, a clank, and then footsteps coming up behind me. "Everything all right?"

A tremendous crash and searing pain across the back of my head were all the answers I received.

* * *

I woke up on an operating table.

"Gah! OW! What the hell?" I yelled at the doctor, who was busy cleaning blood- MY blood- off his hands. "What the hell was that for?"

He turned to me and smiled. "I needed to operate, und I needed to be sure you'd be... ah... _compliant _during ze operation."

I stared at him in horror. "_Operate?! _There was nothing wrong with me, you didn't need to operate!"

He waved a hand. "Ja, ja, nothing in you vas wrong. But I needed to insert ze Rezpawn card and ze Übercharge."

"...what the hell are those?"

"You vill learn tomorrow at vork! Right now..." His eyes lit up as he looked past me out the door. "Ah, Herr Soldier! Could you be zo kind as to ezcort Herr Replacement Sniper to his lodgings, zince Herr Sniper took his van back to Auztralia?"

_Lodgings. Sounds good. _I pulled myself off the operating table- OW my head still hurts- and extended a hand to this... Soldier. "Good afternoon, sir. Nice to meet you."

He stared at the hand, then yelled in my face, "MAGGOT! A real American does not shake hands! A real American views everyone as an enemy!"

I stared at him as he did an about-face and marched stiffly away. "What the hell is this place?!"


End file.
